How to Get Your Child to Tidy Their Room and Want to Do It!

Alt Text: A mother with brown hair holding a basket of laundry, smiling and pointing at her toddler who is smiling back with their eyes closed.

Kids' bedrooms can become disaster zones, especially when left to their own devices. What if I told you there's a way to teach your child to tidy their room and even encourage them to want to do it?

The Problem with 'If/Then' Phrases

Let’s discuss a common phrase parents use: “if/then.” For example:

• "IF you tidy your room, THEN we can go to the park." (That’s a bribe!)

• "IF you don’t tidy your room, THEN we won’t go to the park." (That’s a threat!)

  
  

Many of us have used these phrases without judgment. However, these phrases shift your child's focus away from finding satisfaction in completing the task. This feeling of satisfaction is called intrinsic reward, where the effort itself is the reward. Unfortunately, it encourages children to seek external validation, also known as extrinsic reward.

Our society promotes extrinsic rewards, such as star of the week or pay raises. Through this system, children learn they must wait for someone else to tell them their hard work is valuable. This reliance on external validation creates a cycle of seeking more recognition, which can lead to a sense of dissatisfaction.

Alt text: a young boy sat at a school desk writing in a notebook with a pencil.

The Impact on Your Child’s Motivation

Imagine being six years old and working hard on your handwriting practice. You might feel proud, but if another child receives a "leaps in learning" certificate at assembly, how would that make you feel? Likely overlooked and discouraged.

This highlights the flaw in relying solely on extrinsic rewards. What if your child is recognized for something they don’t value? If they easily master reading, they may appreciate an award but not care much about it. In the grand scheme, is it meaningful to them?

Shifting Focus to Intrinsic Rewards

So, how can we nurture an intrinsic reward system in our children? It's simpler than you may think. Acknowledge their effort in tasks. Shift the focus to the amount of energy and tenacity they apply. After completing a task, check in with how they feel about it.

Let’s say they are learning spelling. Notice their hard work, and tell them you can see they're trying hard. This is a skill that will help them throughout life! Before they take their spelling test, ask how they feel about their efforts. Encourage them to identify any sense of pride or accomplishment.

Even if they score poorly on the test, the score is extrinsic. Focusing on how hard they tried is what truly matters. A perfect score does not define their worth. Although they may feel disappointed, we can help them dismantle societal expectations on their intrinsic worth. This practice teaches our children their true values in a meaningful way.

Alt text: A child dressed in coat and hat, climbing up a climbing frame in an urban play park.

Encouraging Order in Their Own Space

Now, how does this relate to tidying bedrooms? Teaching children to recognize job satisfaction will motivate them to take ownership of their tasks. Tidying their room may feel daunting, which is developmentally appropriate, and they will need your support to start and stay focused.

Instead of using threats or bribes, introduce a new approach: the “now/let's” technique. For example, you can say, "Now that you have tidied your room, let's go to the park."

By using “now/let's” often, you teach your children that intrinsic rewards exist in their efforts. Sometimes these can be paired with extrinsic rewards, but it’s essential to establish recognition of intrinsic reward first.

Establishing Lasting Change

This order of events—recognizing effort and then enjoying the reward—helps solidify the learning process. Your children will gradually learn to listen to their own sense of achievement and pride. They will be less reliant on external validation over time.

By emphasizing the joy of the task instead of punitive measures or material rewards, you create an environment where tidying up feels rewarding on its own. You may even notice them cleaning without prompts, as they will understand the value of their efforts.

In conclusion, teaching your child to take pride in their personal space is not just about cleanliness; it’s about building intrinsic motivation. As parents, we can nurture their ability to find satisfaction within themselves. If we learn to encourage our children to value their efforts, they will carry these lessons throughout their lives.

---

By focusing on intrinsic rewards, you create a culture of accomplishment in your household. Remember, this practice can directly impact how your child views tasks, responsibilities, and their self-worth.