Behaviour... Or Emotion? Distinguishing between the two when you have an angry child.

Did you know that it's OK if your child is angry with you?

It's also ok if you child is upset because you've held a boundary.

These are our emotions, and we all have a full set of different emotions that are: natural, normal, healthy, safe and acceptable.

However, sometimes those emotions can fuel a behaviour that is not healthy, safe or acceptable.

If your child is angry with you because you said no to more screen time - that's an emotional response and is natural, normal, healthy, safe and acceptable. If they start hitting you as a result of your boundary, that is a behavioural response which is not healthy, safe or acceptable.

It's really important that we, as adults are able to distinguish between the two: behaviour and emotion.

We don't want to teach our children that certain emotions are bad - unnatural, unhealthy, unsafe or unacceptable, because that will breed shame and they will shut those feelings away. We want our children to become emotionally literate and healthy adults who know how to manage, express and regulate their emotions.

So next time that our child is angry or upset with us (it will happen!) what to we do? How do we strike the balance between allowing the emotion but not allowing the behaviour? We can validate their feelings AND hold a boundary simultaneously. That will look like: 'I understand why you're disappointed with my decision, and you probably feel a bit cross with me about it too' followed by 'but I will not allow you to hit me'.

Language is everything. By telling your child that you understand their emotions you are normalising the feelings and by doing so you de-escalate them, the power of the emotion becomes more manageable. By using the words 'I will not let you' you are reassuring your child that whilst they may have lost control of their emotions and body, you are still in control and you will keep them safe by not allowing them to do the unsafe behaviour.

Two things can be true at once:

1. You understand how they feel and truly, wholly accept those emotions

2. You cannot allow a behaviour and so you hold your boundary.

It's a small difference in your response to your child, but it will make big difference in their behaviour and emotional health.